


Thor Meanderings

by Khanada



Series: Marvel Meanderings [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-27
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-10 07:52:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13497790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khanada/pseuds/Khanada
Summary: A long time ago (in a galaxy not so far away) I came across an internet site called the Fringedweller’s Guide, which sadly appears to have been swallowed up by a black hole. It offered an often very amusing running commentary on Stargate episodes (among other things) and appeared to be made up of the musings/thoughts triggered by events/dialogue in each episode.I thought I would offer something along those lines for the MCU.As ever, I suggest you watch the movie before reading this … and then while reading this.ThorAKA the Norse Mythology-based (loosely)/Shakespearean-esque one - suggested subtitle "The Tragedy of Loki Laufeyson".





	Thor Meanderings

Scene: night sky. Ooooh, very pretty.

Techy people doing techy things.

Techy device being techy.

Wait for what?

17 is predictable – 18 is the charm.

Yes! That’s right! Drive towards the scary lights in the sky … at speed … very sensible.

Not dying for college credit makes Darcy seem like the sharpest tool in the van at this point. She spends the rest of the movie disproving that notion.

“Don’t be dead” – if he is he can’t hear you love!

“Where did he come from?” ummm, the scary lights in the sky you just drove pell-mell towards!?

Oooh Anthony Hopkins voiceover – to add some gravitas to proceedings … right until he says “Frost Giants” and you wonder who named these bad guys. Sounds like the kind of name a child would come up with “well they’re giant and they make it frosty … so …. Frost Giants!” (I know where the name comes from … it just sounds a bit silly when said in that voice, after that introduction.)

Issue number 1 with this movie. Laufey in Norse mythology was female not male; Loki’s mother, not father!!!

“Do the frost giants still live?” Yes honey, you’re one of them (kind of).

Issue number 2. How can they both have been “born to be kings” if only one of them can rule? (Given that, at this point, the boys don’t know about Loki’s actual parentage.)

I wonder how much anyone right at the back of that crowd can actually see!

Oh yes, very kingly – winking at your mother.

3 random people standing at the side. I’m sure they’ll be very important later. The camera’s telling us they will be!

The hammer may be fit for a king – the boy is not fit for the job though (yet).

People walking through dark vault – not ominous at all.

Ooooh, there’s something frosty in the vault.

“I proclaim you … frost giants” What does that even mean?

Well that robot was very efficient … and deadly! And I’m sure we won’t see him again this movie …

The Destroyer … it destroys things. Someone tell that child to stop naming things!

“Well I want to know why.” Why what? Why they didn’t steal one of the relics?? Ummm, well that would be because of the big scary giant-destroying destroyer thing!

That’s true actually, Thor isn’t king! The ceremony got disturbed.

Ooooh tipping over a table – very mature!

Loki whispering in the left ear … Not symbolic of the devil at all

Ooooooh look, it’s Prince Charming!!! (“Prince Charming. Prince Charming. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of” (even with that facial hair!) Sorry, may possibly watch Once upon a time … and like Adam Ant).

Yes Fandral. He knows it’s Jotenheim! He just said it’s Jotenheim!

Does anyone else wish they could see Thor dressed as a young maiden now? (He’s got the right hair for it!)

‘My friends (and brother) we’re going to do EXACTLY what you’ve just said we shouldn’t’ … So, spoilt, and doesn’t listen, and he’s worthy enough to lift Mjolnir how??? Exactly???

What is it with Heimdall’s eyes??? Why so owl-like?

I’m sure it’s not important at all that Loki’s listening intently as Heimdall says what’ll happen if Bifrost is left open!

What a great way to travel, get shot out of a big gold (a little ostentatious, don’t you think?) cannon headfirst towards a planet. And yet they all land on their feet??? At what point do they do a pirouette to land feet first? ‘Just entered the planet’s atmosphere boys (and lady) – Turn! …. Turn now!’

“We shouldn’t be here” No you shouldn’t. You should’ve splatted head first onto the ground and be more than a little bit in Valhalla!

“We know who you are” Every time I hear that sentence it always reminds me so strongly of Daleks et al talking to Harriet Jones after she introduces herself in Doctor Who.

And again, LAUFEY IS FEMALE!!!!

“You’re nothing but a boy” Yup!!!! Hitting the hammer right on the head there!!! Pity it wasn’t Mjolnir he was using … might’ve knocked some sense into the petulant child.

I LOVE Loki’s “Damn” to the “Run back home, little princess”! He knows EXACTLY what is coming!

“At least make it a challenge for me” oh alright then, if you insist.

Hammer turns 180 degrees in mid-air “That thing doesn’t obey the laws of physics at all” (oops wrong film)

“Don’t let them touch you” so of course someone’s getting touched! ... And, of course, it’s Loki!

Oooooh, skin turns blue when touched by frost giants! And not just in an excessively cold kind of way! Ominous.

Big monster steps out of cave. Still wanting a challenge, Thor?

That monster doesn’t obey the laws of physics either! Running upside down on the bottom of the ground?

Okay, Thor just flew through a monster’s throat and lands, without a hair out of place? (1) HOW is he not covered in gunk? (2) HOW is his hair still perfect? The slightest whisper of a gust of breeze on my hair and it’s all over the place, which gives rise to (3) Do they have REALLY efficient hair spray on Asgard? Is that how his hair doesn’t get all mussed up?!?

Funny how Thor just accepts Odin calling him a boy. He should do it more often!

“Why did you bring us back?” Ummm because you were about to die??? Really horribly??!!! Tell you what, next time he’ll just leave you there! Oh right, that would make for a REALLY short movie!

Got to hand it to Chris Hemsworth! Thor’s character shift in this film is huge, and he is just as believable as the petulant spoilt brat here as he is as the more heroic self-sacrificing version of the character at the end.

I thought Odin was ‘all seeing’? Did he REALLY not see that Thor was nothing like ready??

Hee, I love how Loki is IMMEDIATELY all ‘I’m ready!!!! Look, I’m over here!!! All ready and waiting!!!!’

Okay, cast out Thor, fine…. but Mjolnir as well??? That’s just a waste!!!! And what if Steve Rogers had happened to be standing in that desert where it landed and had picked it up … Or Black Widow??? (Going with comic continuity here.)

That’s right Jane, you’ve just knocked a guy over with your car; he’s CLEARLY not okay; and you’re worrying over some marks in the grass?

How would that work? ‘Excuse me big scary person, would you mind getting in this car so I can taser you?’

Wow! Receptionist can spell Thor! That’s a keeper right there!

Been knocked unconscious, dragged into a van, laid in a hospital bed … and still not a hair out of place! I want his hair products!

Now THAT is a big crater!!!

And you just know that guy is thinking ‘damn, I really want that pretty looking hammer’

I left something at the hospital??? Well that’s a bit mean. We know he’s a petulant child, but you don’t, and you call him a thing??

Not a person, notice! Oh no, no, he’s ‘a piece of evidence’! 

Guess they don’t have much entertainment that they’re all rushing down to the big crater to watch people try to pull a hammer out of the ground – complete with picnics!

PHIIILLLLLLL!!!!!!!!:-) Yay!

“Sorry I tased you” – would she still be saying that if he WASN’T built like a brick outhouse?

Bad with relationships???? Did you keep running him over as well??? Or referring to humans as things in his presence???

Loki does actually speak the truth here, even when people don’t like what he has to say.

‘Stop! You’ll find out you’re a big blue scary monster!’

“You’re my son!” Really????? The way you treat him???

And Loki figures out the truth because unlike everyone else in this film he actually IS the sharpest tool in the box.

Tom Hiddleston ‘knocking it out of the park’ here!!! Masterclass in emotive acting!

And again, Laufey is Loki’s MOTHER NOT his father!!!

Anger to concern in a split second.

“How did you get inside that cloud?” ‘Well, my Dad shot me headfirst at this planet using a massive, slightly ostentatious, gold cannon!’

“Also, how could you eat an entire box of poptarts and still be this hungry” because we cannot possibly forget the most important questions!

I wonder what would happen if you walked into a café and started chucking crockery on the floor?

Satellite??? Really???? That’s a pretty damn small one!!!

“I don’t know anything about satellites” Clearly, since you can’t tell one apart from a HAMMER!!!

That’s right, walk down the MIDDLE of the road … after being run over … TWICE!!!! Very safe!

“He’s dangerous” Okay, so now Eric Selvig’s the sharpest tool.

Why was that car hooting? Was it a “hello people, look at us! We’ve just taken all your belongings!”

That’s right Jane, just point out that you’re holding something in your hand that they’re going to want, well done! Oh look, they took it! Shocking!

“Thank you for your cooperation” like they had a choice.

But iPods are really important!!!!

Hee, name dropping Hulk without name dropping Hulk.

Poor Loki! He’s sitting on the throne, and his ‘friends’ don’t show him any respect. Would they talk to Thor like that while he’s on the throne??? You can (kind of) understand why Loki’s gone the way he has (doesn’t make it right, but you can see how he’s ended up that way).

And they’re completely dismissive of him! He’s SITTING ON THE FREAKING THRONE … LEGITIMATELY … and they ask to speak to his mum rather than him.

Takes them WAY too long to bow!!!

I know he’s just saying it because he doesn’t want Thor back, but actually what he says about continuity and not undoing the previous ruler’s orders is not wrong!

And AGAIN with the COMPLETE lack of respect, Volstagg scoff laughing before saying ‘Your Majesty’. 

Interesting how Sif et al take from that conversation that Loki’s evil, rather than that they maybe should’ve been a little more respectful … of their king! I mean, even if Loki didn’t have the agenda he does, with the way they were treating him in that scene, NONE of his reactions and nothing he said would actually have been unreasonable (and Sif et al still probably would’ve had exactly the same outcome)!

Well that’s a conveniently placed book on Norse mythology. I REALLY haven’t found Norse mythology books so easy to come by! Greek and Roman mythology? Yes. Norse? Not so much!

I SO need to walk into a pet shop saying “I need a horse!” just to see the look on the shop assistant’s face!

“Then give me one of those large enough to ride” hee, poor shop assistant. He’s definitely thinking ‘WTF???!!’

“I’ve never done anything like this before” What? Drive??? Is that why you spend so long NOT LOOKING AT THE FREAKING ROAD!!!!

“Far more clever than anyone else in this realm” God I hope not!!!! Does NOT bode well for the human race if that’s true! She runs TOWARDS big scary lights in the sky and DOESN’T LOOK WHERE SHE’S DRIVING (has the self-preservation instincts of a fly buzzing towards a bug zapper!!!)

Oh, and she tells a big dude with big scary muscles that she doesn’t really know whether or not he’s strange … while alone in a car with him! Yes, very sensible! Like I said, self-preservation instinct issue!!!

And again, HOW LONG not looking at the road while driving??! No wonder she keeps running people over!

“How long will it last?” Loki. Honey. How long is a piece of string? (answer: never long enough)

Actually, given how often Jane is seen driving towards lights in this film, maybe she is a fly??? ‘Ooooh it’s soooo preeetttyyyyy! Must. Go. To. The. Light!’

That must be a new definition of the word city I was not previously aware of. I don’t see a cathedral!

“No. I’m going to fly out” LOL!

Oh, Sitwell!!! Before he was evil … Actually, I wonder if he’s trying to dig the hammer out to give to Hydra?? Now HE’s DEFINITELY not worthy!!!

Oooooh, I wonder who it could possibly be that would reach for a bow rather than a gun! Wink wink.

Yup Coulson’s right, he does make them look like minimum wage mall cops – or, as we call them over here, store security. “Would you be interested in picking up this lovely hammer that fell from the sky??? Buy one get one free??? You’ll have to be quick, it’s (literally) FLYING off the shelves”

Hee, 5 seconds on screen and we get a taste of Hawkeye’s snark.

“Thor bigger” Seriously? Who ACTUALLY talks about themselves in the third person?

MUD FIGHT!!!!!

“I’m starting to root for this guy” – not prescient at all.

“Wait! I want to see this” Okay, in what world is that a good idea? This guy has just beaten the bejesus out of your security with his bare hands, and you’re waiting to see what happens when he PICKS UP A REALLY HEAVY WEAPON???????

I wonder what would’ve happened if Hawkeye HAD shot him at this point!?

Oh dear! As I’m sure he’s thinking, “Thor not worthy”! Possibly because of his arrogance, petulance, aggressive tendencies; I mean, he didn’t even TRY to reason with/talk to SHIELD first! He just went in, fists blazing.

“Show’s over” damn that desert entertainment (Did Coulson bring a picnic too?)

“You didn’t see what I saw”. No, he didn’t. But if he had, he would’ve been EVEN MORE ADAMANT THAT THE GUY COMMITTED A CRIME! What with all the people he beat the snot out of! But then this is a woman who appears to like running people over and referring to them as not human, so …

“…there’s something on the other side…” reminds me of the “doors open from both sides” line in Avengers Assemble.

“A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshipped them as deities” True actually. I’ve wondered more than once what would happen if you put a 737 in the skies of prehistoric earth. Pretty certain Neanderthal man would’ve worshipped it!!!

“That’s hurtful” oh Coulson – master of the understatement!!!

“Pakistan? Chechnya? Afghanistan?”… ‘Asgard!!’ ‘Where’s that?’

Oooooh Thor MUST’VE been in a fight – his hair’s a little messed up (still improbably neat though. I mean, come on – he was rolling around in mud!!! There should be a bird’s nest knot in there somewhere! Did they take him to a hairdresser’s before sitting him down to talk to Coulson??? Maybe Hawkeye did his hair for him?

“One way or another we find out what we need to know – we’re good at that” – and yet, only 2 movies later, we find out that you have entirely failed to realise that doors open from both sides – until it’s too late – I think that’s kind of a ‘need to know!’ you should’ve found out.

“Don’t go anywhere” – ‘Well damn, I was just going to pop to the hairdressers to style my impossibly well-behaved hair, it’s a little mussed up’ (Oh wait, no it isn’t.)

“Father’s dead” oh Loki, you liar!!

“You mustn’t blame yourself” (after listing all the things that (supposedly) killed him – all of which are ENTIRELY Thor’s fault)

“The burden of the throne…” oh yeah, like you didn’t want it!!!

“Can I come home?” It’s the way he says it! Suddenly sounds so vulnerable and sweet – and suddenly your heart goes out to him.

“Mother has forbidden your return” okay – that’s just mean!

‘Thank you for completely breaking my heart’

“Goodbye” “Goodbye? Just got back” Hee!!!

That’s right mall cops – just COMPLETELY IGNORE THE GUY IN THE SUIT TRYING TO LIFT THE HAMMER!!!!

Love how Coulson so clearly completely doesn’t believe a word of Selvig’s story … remind me NEVER to play ‘Cheat’ with this guy!!!

“To get a drink” this must be a new definition of keeping someone away from a bar that I was not previously aware of!

And the improbably perfect hair’s back to being improbably perfect again. Clearly the first stop wasn’t the bar – it was a hairdresser!

Macho drinking contest alert – maybe Selvig isn’t that smart after all.

Anyone else just waiting for a role-reversed Empire Strikes Back type exchange? ‘No, you are my father’ (MOTHER!!!!)

“I suspect that the Asgardians would not take kindly to a king who had murdered his predecessor” Why not? The Romans did it all the time!

“And you can return Jotunheim to all its aa…. Glory” LOL – love how he’s desperately trying not to laugh out loud saying that!

“And you’re sworn to obey me now … yes?” Poor Loki. So not sure of his power … with good reason – that is WAY too long a gap before Heimdall replies.

If Selvig was fine before, he’s got a concussion now!

‘We had a drinking contest … he lost’

That’s right dear, put the food and the dirty bowl in the cupboard with the clean crockery. Very hygienic!

“Actually, I never have guests” Probably because you run them over and then give them food poisoning with your crockery habits!

“I come up here a lot actually” To escape the people coming to yell at you for running them over and then poisoning them????

“Perhaps I had it coming” ‘He had it coming! He had it coming! He only had himself to blame...!’

That’s right dear, he’s done something nice for you and you immediately complain about the situation! How about just – oh I don’t know – saying thank you????

Magic, science – one and the same thing … Or “magic is just science we don’t understand yet”

Hang on, I thought the temperature dropped to sub-zero levels in the desert at night???? Aren’t they cold???

“Do not mistake my appetite for apathy” (snort, don’t think anyone could make that mistake … but they might legitimately wonder what it is you are not apathetic about.)

Fandral pointing out that what they’re planning is treason. Well, at least one of them said it.

“I cannot open the bridge to you” except he has, by putting the sword in for them, and starting the machine, so …

What is it with people DRIVING TOWARDS THINGS FROM THE SKY THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND????? Haven’t they seen Independence Day???

Oh look, The Destroyer’s going to destroy! Didn’t see that one coming! Oh wait, I did!

“Your father still lives” cue dramatic zoom in for the ‘That sneaky lying so and so’ look. That is, if he’s smart enough to be thinking that, and at this point, I’m honestly not sure that he is.

Now, now, Loki! That’s maybe NOT the best way to handle the situation!

“Is that one of Stark’s” LOL!!!

Oh Coulson, yelling at him through a megaphone – that’s optimistic!!!

“If you’re staying, so am I” and what can you do to help, dear? Run it over??? Give it food poisoning????

‘Let’s play tennis using our friend as a ball’, ‘great idea’

Destruction porn alert!

Destroyer destroying things.

Oh come on! They barely even tried!!! One skirmish and they’re agreeing to turn and run! I thought they were the great mighty Warriors Three or whatever? Iron Man wouldn’t give up so easily! That’s a point actually – where is Tony Stark? (Oh yeah – he’s busy *cough* “rediscovering a new element” *cough* and having fun with Whiplash at the Expo.)

Plus, he’s JUST TOLD THEM HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS POWERS!!! What the HELL do they think he’s going to do that they’re so happy to just run off and leave him?

“Whatever I have done”… well where do we start???? Because how much do you want to bet that the events of this film were NOT the first time Thor’s caused Loki and their ‘friends’ (I’m using the term loosely now) to have to fight for their lives?

Thor dies heroically and proves himself worthy with self-sacrifice cliché … and still his improbably perfect hair is improbably perfect!!!

That’s right, walk TOWARDS the hammer that’s vibrating and shaking the earth! There’s that lack of self-preservation instinct again!

That’s right, just sit there while a FREAKING HAMMER FLIES TOWARDS YOU!!!!

Oh, so NOT dead then (and guess what, the improbably perfect hair’s still looking improbably perfect – despite all the lighting (I mean COME ON!!! There should’ve been at least a BIT of it standing up on end, with all of that electricity!!!!)

“Oh. My. God.” One of them – and that’s with a small g dear!

That’s right, just stand UNDERNEATH the god and the big scary robot thing while they’re fighting.

Ummm Thor, you’re still banished???? By Odin??? Ultimately, Odin chose Loki. Okay, it was by default because he finally noticed Thor was a spoilt brat but, Loki’s still the only heir present when Odin’s taken out of play; meaning Loki was on the throne legitimately and sent the Destroyer, in his position as king, to get rid of the potential threat, which is what kings (and queens) have done throughout history (the Roman emperors? Egyptian pharaohs? War of the Roses? The princes in the tower? Mary Queen of Scots?). That’s not to excuse Loki from being a genocidal maniac, bad king, but it does put Thor’s return into a slightly grey area!

Hee – love that Phil calls him Donald!!!

Guess Loki didn’t need to conceal the frost giants then – after freezing Heimdall.

“And your death came by the son of Odin” – oooor not!

“It’s good to have you back” – almost sounds genuine.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to destroy Jotunheim” – LOL, busy busy, no rest for the wicked, but still time to be polite!!!

Oh look, there’s that bit of information about leaving the Bifrost open from earlier coming into play – didn’t see that one coming.

“I will have saved his life” After putting it in danger to begin with.

“You can’t kill an entire race” says the guy who wanted to kill that same entire race earlier in the film!!!!

“I never wanted the throne” horse manure!!!

“Is it madness? Is it? IS IT?” – ummm, weeellllllll … Yes!

Ooooh, dramatic slo mo!

Hee! Love how Thor just puts the hammer down on Loki to stop him moving.

“What are you doing?” Good question!!!

Oh dear, big golden, bit ostentatious, cannon falling into space.

That’s right Odin, just say no to your son who’s dangling over the edge of the FREAKING PLANET and make him feel worthless!!! Well done! Dad of the Year award is winging its way to you in the post right now (pity it won’t get to you because of the Bifrost being destroyed! Such a shame!!!)

If you think about it, everything that happens in this film is COMPLETELY because of Odin’s somewhat bad version of parenting!!! How has Frigga not walked out on him!??!

“There will never be a wiser king than you” well it’s a good thing he’s that because he’s a TERRIBLE DAD!!!

“Or a better father” ummmmmm!!!!! Thor, I feel sorry for your future kids if you think THAT is good parenting!!!

Surely, it’s not just Earth that’s lost to them but ALL of the other realms????

Post credits scene – Selvig wondering into a place when he thinks he’s there to be killed????? He’s just lost the ‘sharpest tool in the van’ award …

Oooooh pretty blue box!!! 

Yay Loki’s somehow survived!

Although, of course, this scene DOES NOT fit with events of the first few minutes of Avengers Assemble, but whatever.


End file.
